Friday, January 20, 2012

It's not about me.

I have a hard time understanding the concept that things aren't about me. I don't mean that I am wholly selfish, but, honestly maybe I am. More specifically, I take EVERYTHING personally. Everything. Some guy honks his horn at me in traffic and I want to cry for a week and surrender my driver's license. The principal makes a blanket statement to the staff about us needing to work harder, and I think it means he thinks I'm lazy. A friend has a quiet day and I'm sure she's mad at me. A student misbehaves in my class and I just know that it is because I'm a rotten teacher.

Guess what. Sometimes it is about me, but most of the time, it isn't. The kid acted like a maniac because of something in his life, not because of me. My friend just needs to work through something on her own. The dude honking didn't get his coffee this morning and is late for work. The principal just wants us to make progress and reach our potential. Not one of them thought, "I'm going to really stick it to that Elly Gilbert today."

I need to wrap my head around that.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Be anxious about nothing...

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my gasteroenterologist. I was nervous. I have been feeling some changes, some pain, and I worried that I'm entering or suffering from a Crohn's flare. My mind has raced with the possibilities of what has caused these new symptoms. I had diagnosed myself with a plethora of new diseases, and was prepared for really grave news.

Monday night, I was a ball of nerves. I drank my Sleepytime Vanilla tea, had fitful rest. I proceeded to mull the possibilities Tuesday morning on the way to the doctor. I stopped at Target for some retail therapy, but even that didn't quiet my brain. I finally headed to the doctor's office to await certain doom. In the waiting room, I pulled out my phone and opened by Bible app. I wanted to read Philippians 4, specifically this:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I read it about 30 times. I recited it to myself. I had almost calmed down until the nurse called me back. Again, I began feeling a surge of anxiety. I cautioned her that my blood pressure wouldn't be good, and was I ever right! 168/98! My pulse was racing. I pulled my phone out again and began concentrating. The peace which surpasses all understanding. I repeated it over and over. It swept over me, and my heart and mind was able to rest in Jesus.

The news was pretty good. I will try some new medicines to eradicate the new symptoms. I will have  colonoscopy in March to see if the disease is active. I'll see a rheumatologist to help me get a handle on my aches and pains. Nothing shocking, earth-shattering, life-altering.

God is good. I have to remember that. He is faithful. He will not forsake me. Anything that comes my way, I'll handle with His peace. I won't be anxious.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Back to business

We are back in school today for the longest quarter of the year. I'm trying hard to keep my chin up and do my job well, but my heart isn't in it! I long to be at home, with my kids, having a luxurious breakfast, watching cartoons...just being with them.

My heart is so conflicted. No, that's incorrect. My heart knows what it wants. Its the rest of my life that isn't following suit. Yesterday, the mere thought of coming back to school sent me into a near anxiety attack. I prayed hard, and meditated on Matthew 6:33 (ESV), "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Today, I was greeted with this verse, Proverbs 3:6 (NLT), "Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take."

So, I guess I need to quit wallowing in self pity, seek God's will in my life, and follow the path He puts forth for me. I have to put my fears aside and walk on faith in seeking God's kingdom and His desires for my life.

I still don't know what that means in terms of working vs. staying at home, but I know that I will have greater peace if I pursue God's will and put everything else aside.