Monday, August 27, 2012

Wallerin' in peace

School started for me almost three weeks ago. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I feel like I've died and gone to teacher heaven. The kids are fantastic. The staff is amazing. Every day is just another layer of awesome with a cherry on top. Even the parts of teaching I don't love (grading papers!) is a joy. I know not every day will be full of sunshine and skittles, but, even when the less than spectacular days come, I know they will be manageable.

I can't even begin to describe how this one change has impacted every area of my life. I finally feel like I'm not fighting my way through every day. I am not filled with dread and anxiety all day long.
This morning, the thought that came to my mind is that I feel like I'm just rolling around- no, wallowing (or wallerin', as my daddy would say) in this inexplicable peace. I think it is because I have finally stopped trying to pursue my agenda and I've gotten on board with God's will. I'm seeing Him use me, change me, speak to me in the craziest ways about the most minute things.

I have a particular relationship in my life that I struggle with. It isn't that I don't love this person. It's just that I can't push past my own insecurities to allow myself to show this person grace. For one thing,  I'm ridiculously judgemental. God has been dealing with me about this issue in a lot of very strange ways- dreams, just the right devotion on the right day at the right time, a song on the radio, a casual conversation with a wise person, stuff that doesn't just HAPPEN. Nope, He is pushing me into dealing with my emotions and my issues so that I can begin to extend mercy to this person. My heart is softening. In the past, I would have fought this with every fiber of my being. Not now. Now, I'm letting my heart turn to mush. I'm wallerin' in the peace that brings, too.

God is good!


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